This was about to change though. It was Friday morning. I had just thrown up for the 50th time this week. I had my suspicions but no, it couldn't be right. Though i had never been so sick in my life up until recently. I vaguely remember my drunken night. That night i threw up so much i thought i was going to die. I had to know though. I was home alone, except for mom. Jerry and Rie were at work. I took the car, knowing my mom would ask later where i had been, and drove to the pharmacy. When i got home i went to the bathroom and took the test. I put it on the sink and waited. When the time was up i was scared shitless. I didn't want to look, yet i had to. My heart shattered to a million pieces just by one little plastic stick. I knew it. How could i have been so foolish to believe that there would be no consequences? Now i didn't have a choice. I had to tell him. Would he forgive me? Did i actually want him to? I would never forgive something like this myself. If Jerry cheated on me and ended up with.. with. I couldn't say it, let alone think it. That word. The word that just shattered my whole world. Ripped it into pieces like it was a piece of paper.
I waited for him to come home. I tried doing a lot of things like watching tv, listening to music, paint, play chess, but none of it took my mind off the conversation that waited me. So instead i just sat there staring into space. My mom was sleeping, as she did a lot these days, so she didn't notice.
He arrived home later that day, expecting a yelling from me about what not, but instead found me on the couch sleeping.
"Please don't sweety me. I don't deserve it."
"Of course you do," he smiled at me. "You are my sweetheart and i love you."
"Okay listen, this is hard for me to say, and even harder for you to hear, but here it goes," i breathed in slowly and breathed out. "I'm pregnant."
Silence. Then: "That's great news! Oh my, congratulations honey. Oh i knew it was good news, i knew..." and he stopped, looked at me and said: "Exactly how far along are you?"
"Well i don't know exactly since i haven't seen a doctor yet, but i'm guessing three and a half weeks." He was putting two and two together now. His face changed between a lot of different emotions. Finally he said, looking me dead in the eyes: "We haven't had sex since you came home from France..." Silence. " I can't believe you would do that to me." He said quietly. And then he exploded. "I can't believe you! What made you think that you could just sleep around and that i wouldn't find out?! You've been home for 3 weeks and you didn't tell me? Instead you've been mentally torturing me, and i bet you hoped i would break up with you right? Well?" To say he looked pissed was an understatement. His voice dripped with acid when he spit out the last words in my face. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"No! I mean, i don't know what i want. Look at me. I'm pregnant! I'm gonna have a child for the rest of my life, and i don't know what i want!" I started to cry, but it seemed to only make him angrier.
"Don't expect me to fall for that. We are over! I'm leaving!" I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. Did i want him to stay? I guess if i did i would have begged him not to go. I would have gone down on my knees and made him stay. I at least thought there was a possibility that he would stay then. When he came back downstairs with his packed suitcase, he turned to me and said: "Didn't I mean anything to you? Our relationship?"
"Yes, it meant the world to me," I said through tears of sadness and regret. "The world."
As the baby grew, i grew. I grew in a way that only a soon to be mother would understand. My morals changed and i learned to love not only myself again, but also the unborn baby. I didn't want to know the sex of the baby. I just wished for it to be healty. It was now six months since Jerry had left me. I had only heard from him once and that was when he came to get the rest of his stuff. Rie had been amazingly supportive of the whole thing. She had been disqustsed by me cheating so she thought it served me well that Jerry had left me. As much as it hurt, both that she thought of it that way, and that he had actually left me, i agreed. It was good. In a weird way i was happier now than i had been in a long time. After my third month of pregnancy i had decided to tell Henri about it. He was ecstatic about becoming a father and he chose to move to Moonlight Falls to be around the baby and get to know him or her. He actually moved just to be a part of its life! That was a huge deal for me. The fact that he showed that much dedication to his soon to be son or daughter. It was more than my dad had ever done for me. I hadn't spoken with him for years, but i didn't miss it. What i had missed though was a father figure in my life, just not my dad. I missed it mostly when i was growing up, but it would be nice to have a dad now as well. One to guide you about guys and tell you what and what not to do. How to act around them when you first meet them, how to deal with ex boyfriends and the list goes on. Stuff that my mom had no experience in, since she had only ever been with my father. And they didn't exactly handle thing well after their divorce.
Henri visited me often. He thought that if the baby heard his voice, it would recognize him when it was born. I thought it was sweet. He would come around a couple of times a week, mostly in the weekends when he was off work.
Rie had been quite secretively lately. I wondered what she was up to. She didn't share things with me anymore and seemed to avoid me most of the time. I was starting to worry since this was uncharacteristic of her.
Rie's Pov
"Hi," I said as i leaned in and hugged him.
"Hi," he smiled at me.
"Wau", i said afterwards. It was like nothing i had ever experienced before. All the other guys were mediocre compared to this.
He looked at me for a second. Was he surprised? Angry?
Then he grabbed me and held me close, his hands on my head.
I was lying in bed as i thought of my night out with Jerry. He was so handsome. I felt bad for him for what Camille had done. He didn't deserve that kind of treatment. I knew how to treat men. They all wanted the same thing. Though it felt a bit different with Jerry. It was like he was different from other men. He was sweet and kind and actually cared about my feelings. He said he wouldn't push me into doing anything i didn't want to do. I couldn't sleep, i had to see him.
I got up, got dressed and called him. We agreed to meet down at the theater. He greeted me with a kiss. "I'm sorry to call you so late, but i was restless. I couldn't sleep, all i could do was think about you."
"Oh you have no idea how glad i am to hear you say that." He took my hand and i followed him to his car. We drove in silence to his apartment. As we stood in the elevator it felt like every inch of my body was electrified. I wanted him so bad. We got to his apartment and we walked inside. It was humble. There was a couch, tv, kitchen essentials, a dresser and a bed. He closed the door behind him and turned around to face me. Suddenly he pulled me close to him, kissing me hard on the lips. As he moved from my ear to my neck i moaned. He started pulling at my clothes and i pulled at his, removing his shirt. We stopped to remove the rest of our clothes and jumped onto the bed. As we enjoyed our time together, something hit me. I loved him! My fear of commitment kicked in and i knew i had to get out of this somehow. When we were done, i quickly got up and dressed. "SO i guess.. bye" I ran out of the building and called a cab.
"Hey Rie! Wait!" I heard him calling behind me. When he finally caught up with me, I was ready to step into the cab. "Don't go!" he said. I felt a tiny fleck of remorse. Was this the right thing to do?
"Hey lady. I don't have all night," the cabdriver said. "I have to go," I told Jerry. "No! I love you Rie. I don't want you to go!" He looked like a hurt puppy when i said goodbye, stepped into the cab and drove away.
It had been five days and i had not come out of my room. I had never been more sad in my life. This was what hell was like. It must be. Full of sorrow, regrets, and hurt. I had cried myself to sleep for every night since, and i didn't care who heard me. Camille had been knocking on my door constantly for the past hour. "Rie, you have to come out sometime. Please just open the door!" She knocked again.
I finally stood up and walked over to the door. "Fine, come in," I said unlocking it. She walked in as i sat down on the bed. Little paper balls, that i had used to dry my tears and blow my nose, were lying all over the floor.
She sat down next to me and put an arm around me. "What 's the matter honey? Everybody is so worried about you. You don't eat, you don't drink, you just spend all your time crawled up in your bed, crying your eyes out." I turned my face away from her. "We've always been able to tell each other everything. Please, talk to me." I could tell she was hurt by my silence.
"Okay, but you are not going to like it." How did i begin? I started telling her about my (harmless) meetings with Jerry, about how we talked about everything and shared stories about life and day to day stuff. About how we had kissed and had spent the night together and how i had abandoned him afterwards. She listened and didn't say a word until i was done talking.
"I see," was all she said.
I waited for her to continue, but there was only silence.
"See this is why i couldn't tell you. I knew you would freak out!" I pushed her arm away, only to find she had already removed it.
"No, no.. don't be silly. It's just a lot to take in, that's all." She finally turned around and smiled at me.
"Rie, i want you to be happy. Me and Jerry was a sinking ship. It would never have worked. I understand what you find attractive about him, i do. I think," she stopped for a second. "Yes, i think you need to talk to him. Call him and say you need to talk and find a mutual ground. Like the park. Let him know how you feel. And don't run off this time! You need to experience love. And not run away when you feel it. It is all a part of growing up. Stop being such a commitment phobic. It won't do you any good."
I stood up and left the room. I was left to myself to think about what she had said. Was she right? Maybe i could find happiness in a relationship. I at least should give it a try. I dialed Jerry's number and waited. It took a while for him to answer but he sounded very excited when i told him i needed to see him. He had been calling me day and night ever since i ran out on him.
"Hey you," he greeted me when we met up at the park. Though this time he didn't kiss me or hug me. It seemed he didn't really know what to do as he didn't know where he had me.
I breathed in and out. "I need to tell you something and don't interrupt me." I said a bit more harsh than i meant for it.
"Okaay.."
"Okay, here it goes. I love you."
Silence. It seemed to go on forever.
Then he said: "I love you too. I've actually loved you for a while now. But i know you have commitment issues, so i didn't want to scare you away. Then when you left the other night, i just needed you to know it. And i know i drove you off with it, but i just. I don't know how to act around you. It's like i tread on thin ice and if i say something wrong that is actually right, you run away. I wish." he stopped his ramble for a second. "I wish you would just realize that you would be happy with me and stop running. I know i can make you happy. At least i want to try. Give me that chance."
I just stood there looking at him. I didn't know what to say. Every inch of my body wanted to run over and hug him and kiss him. But somehow i stood rooted to the ground. "I don't know what to say."
He looked hurt. He turned to walk away, when suddenly i hurried over to him, turned him around and kissed him. He held me close and i told him i loved him, and i would give him that chance. He held me even closer and promised to spend every day making me happy.
That way i now had my first real boyfriend. And more happy days were about to come.
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